KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual headline)

Lisa Brunet, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled
Up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she
looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay and Lisa replied that
she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in
for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car
because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her
head.

When they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the
heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough
hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it
was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed
out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour
until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Lisa is blonde

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