Obituary of Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, by the name of "Common Sense".
Common Sense lived a long life but died in the
United States from heart failure on the brink of the new millennium. No one
really knows how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in
bureaucratic red tape.
He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, and
factories helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and
foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits
held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with
cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain,
why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't
always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the
adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second. A
veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great
Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural
and educational trends including body piercing,
whole language, and "new math." But his health declined when he became
infected with the "If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth- it" virus.
In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of
well intentioned but overbearing regulations. He
watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His
health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly
implemented zero-tolerance policies. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged
with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a
teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened
his condition.
It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to
administer aspirin to a student, but could not inform the
parent when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband, churches became businesses,
criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck
their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts to
professional sports.
Finally, when a woman, too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffee
was hot, was awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel. As
the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept
informed of developments regarding questionable regulations such as those
for low flow toilets, rocking chairs, and stepladders.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and
his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights, and Ima
Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few
realized he was gone.
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