Are you ready for parenting? Take these simple tests:
Mess Test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet
flowerbed from outside and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons.
Repeat. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (if Legos are not available, you may substitute
roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This
could wake a child at night.)
Dressing Test
Obtain one large, unhappy, living octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 – 12 pounds of sand.
Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag
until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick
up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more
and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of you clothes. Leave it
there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
Physical Test (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to
help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a
newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Grocery Store Test
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you
shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or damage.
Final Assignment
Find a couple who has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their
discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never
allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last
time you will have all the answers.
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